And so….we meet

We were graciously given the opportunity to meet baby Matthew last weekend.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bundle of nerves.  While we had met Todd and Jen on several prior occasions, this would be our first face-to-face meeting with the little man that is connected to us all.

We were grateful that Todd and Jen would allow such a meeting to take place with their son and so soon after his bith.  In our minds the meeting wasn't really for Beau and I, but for Matthew and our children.  What I mean by that is it has always been our intention to show all the children involved in this arrangement our care and love for them.  As far as Matthew, I don't want to just say "I really do love you" on a piece of paper and hope that will suffice.  Our heart when we created an adoption plan for our embryos was to walk-the-walk and show these children (theirs and ours) our commitment to stay involved (as Jen and Todd see fit), no matter how emotionally hard it is for Beau and I. 

With that said, I fully realize Matthew may grow up and have no desire to have contact with us and that is completely okay.  He is in no way obligated; we truly only desire for him to be happy in his life.  Nonetheless, if it's at all possible for us to "show" our care through our actions, we are committed to that.

The day before we met, our Adoptive Mom, Jen, had conveyed in her blog that this was an emotionally tough meeting for her.  I felt bad for her, because it's only been 3 months since Matthew was born and we knew they were probably sleep deprived, a tad hormonal from just having had a baby (I mean no disrepect - I was once there!), and the fact that we were meeting at their home.  Yeah, we knew it would be very stressful for them.  So after reading her blog and realizing some of her fears, Beau and I decided to just lay very low and do our best to not seem threatening (although if I'm being honest, I didn't really know what being non-threatening looked like).  I didn't have any expectations, we were just thankful for the opportunity to get together.

Before we arrived, I thought I might cry when I saw Matthew for the first time.  However, when I laid my eyes on him, I really didn't feel any connection.  In part, I think that was out of respect for Todd and Jen and fear on my part of them sensing me trying to have a connection with him.  I definitely had a wall up, so as not to make them uncomfortable.  I know in my heart how I feel about him, but it's not necessary to convey that to him or Todd and Jen.  He's their baby and he doesn't need an emotional connection to me or Beau. 

We sat and talked for a long time and got caught up on life events.  We brought our son, Seth, and he really enjoyed spending time with Matthew.  Seth knows that Matthew is his baby Brother and takes that information at face value.  He doesn't ponder that fact endlessly and try to dissect it.  He just accepts it, because his Mom and Dad told him so.  It has become part of his truth.  Whenever we have talked about Matthew, he just says "ok" and moves on.  However, had we chose to hide this and not tell him until he was 16 and hormonal, I think it would have been a very different response.

With regard to that, Beau and I knew that we wouldn't be comfortable lying to our kids about their connection to any children realized in this adoption.  I mean let's be honest, we have no idea how this is going to affect them in the future and we thought long and hard about our approach, in hopes of causing as little damage as possible. 

We ended up telling them that we gave Todd and Jen some baby seeds and that if God wanted to, he would grown a baby inside of Jen.  We visually demonstrated this by planting an herb garden.  We counted the amount of seeds that we planted, watched them grow, and then counted how many seeds eventually turned into plants.  We don't want this to be a "family secret."  Our intention has always been to be open, but in a kid-appropriate way.

Both Beau and I were able to briefly hold Matthew.  It was pretty special.  Just to see and feel this baby and realize what God had done and to know that this little life had been frozen for 6 years.....amazing!  That was all neat, but holding him really felt no differently than holding a friend's baby.

Emotionally, I'm at a place where I only think about them on occasion and when I do, I say a prayer for their family.  The scary "unknowns" don't seem so scary anymore.  I look at it more as an opportunity to see how God will grow me and I know he will be with me during the difficult times.  He has made his presence more known to me than any other time in my life.  I've not really had the support of a friend during this journey and I think that was God's intention all along.  I now thank him for that, because I had no choice but to run into his arms and seek his face.

I don't know what our future meetings will be like and when/if they will happen.  We leave that in Todd and Jen's hands.  However they choose to involve us and to what degree, is fine with us.  I realize that we are the "scary" people in their life and I don't take offense.  Each of us has to work through our fears in our own way and time.  Although I do have to give them major kuddos for allowing all of us to come together, despite their deepest fears.  I know this was not an easy step for them.  Open Adoption is not easy, but I have hope that it might become a beautiful thing in the future.

What I am most thankful for is the Lord's peace he's placed on me and that I can rest in that.  I'll have to take some time and blog about coming to realize who I really am in Christ.  Had I not gone through this, God never could have brought me to this place.

Blessings,

Sheila