“I can’t bring myself to place my embryos for adoption”

I've received quite a few e-mails from fellow Genetic Parents and one of the most frequently asked questions I receive is "How do I bring myself to place my embryos for adoption?"  That's a valid question that I'd like to explore with you.

Some of you have requested paperwork from an Adoption Agency or Clinic or have considered placing an ad in hopes of finding a Recipient Family on your own.  Others haven't been able to take those steps and decide to pay for another year of storage and put the process on the back-burner.  No matter where you're at in the process, let me say that I fully understand what it is you're going through and hope the following will bring clarity to what seems like an impossible decision, and possibly give a different perspective to help you make a decision that you feel you can live with. 

- One of the reasons that you may not have been able to do any research or make any phone calls, is because starting the process of relinquishing your embryos means that you're beginning to "Let Go."  I myself don't fully understand this process yet, as I'm still in the midst of "letting go", but looking back I can see that there was a pivitol moment where I was able to move forward.  I was able to at the very least visualize "letting go" and that's when I was able to take the next step.  If you feel frozen with fear, this is normal.  After all, I don't think any of us went into IVF thinking we'd eventually be put in the position of having to make these kind of decisions.

- Your embryos are in frozen storage and based on all the data I've seen, they are safe and not deteriorating.  I recently learned of a transfer with an embryo that had been frozen for 15 years.  So while I don't recommend keeping embryos frozen for that long, I will say that you can take as much time as you need to make a decision.  You need not worry that the embryos are less viable with each passing year.  Our embryos were frozen for six years and our Adopting Mom is now pregnant.  So, take the pressure off yourself and realize you have some time to make a good decision.

- If storage fees play into a big part of your decsion, keep in mind that you can transfer your embryos into a long-term storage facility for a lesser fee than your clinic charges.  I myself never placed my embryos in long-term storage, so I have no experience with any of the organizations that provide this service.  However, you can look them up on Google or Yahoo, if you're interested.

- Take baby steps and give yourself time to see how you feel about each one.  If you can't seem to bring yourself to even request paperwork from an agency or look at an independent website to post an ad, that's okay.  I think it's important to take all the time you need.  Trust your instinct and if you come to the place where you think you can look at the paperwork, move forward with that baby step.  Just because you take one step, doesn't mean you have to follow through in any given time frame. 

- Keep in mind that you may not feel comfortable moving forward with the process yet, because it's not time or you may not be in a place to meet the Adopting Family yet.  I for one do believe that everyone comes into our life for a reason and feel that some of you may not be ready to make a decision, because it's simply not the right time.  I met our Adopting Mom on an infertility support website.  I had comtemplated leaving that website on many different occasions, but felt drawn to stay for some reason.  I finally realized that had I left any earlier than I did, I would not have met our Adopting Mom.

-  Face your biggest fears about Embryo Adoption.  What are they?  Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to think about what you haven't given yourself permission to do so before.  There's no doubt about it, it's tough to visualize our genetic children being raised by someone else.  However, it is a decision you can learn to live with and the outcome can become a beautiful thing.  Try not to allow sensationalistic stories play into your fears.  There are a lot of good people out in this world that would love and adore your genetic children, as if they were their own genetic children.  Heck, my Husband and I joke that our Adopting Family are better people than we are.  Of course, we're kidding, but the point I'm trying to make is that there are good people out there who will make fantastic parents.

- Make a decision that you feel you can live with for the rest of your life.  Don't have any regrets.  Fully research all your options and don't be afraid to call the Adoption Agencies or be in contact with sites where you can place an ad.  I've heard many of you say "I'm afraid to call and ask."  Just because you make a phone call, doesn't mean you have to follow through with an adoption plan the next day.  Remember, you can take baby steps.

- Give yourself persmission to visualize what your ideal plan would look like for your embryos.  Can you see making an adoption plan for them or possibly donating them anonymously?  What would the best scenario look like for you and your family?  Do you want to have contact in the future or do you think it will be easier to not know any details?  Allow yourself to think about these scenarios on occasion.  It will help you to eventually take baby steps to make an actual plan.

- Talk to a trusted Pastor, Priest, Rabbi, Counselor, or friend.  Tell them your concerns and see if they might be able to help you navigate through your feelings.

- Men deal with the relinquishment of their embryos differently than women.  I have found many of you telling me that your Husbands basically don't care if they have a say about what happens to your embryos or they would rather that they just be destroyed, because they don't want anyone else raising them.  Yes, this is a very typical response and no doubt hard for us women to deal with.  I think the reason for this is that most men don't really feel responsibility for a child until they are born.  They may feel some connection, but I don't think it really hits them until they lay their eyes on a child.  Us women are wired differently and I for one felt very responsible for our embryos and wanted only the very best a mother could give them.  If you are waiting for your husband to make a move in the decision process, you may be waiting a long time.  I would also suspect that it will be you doing all the leg work!

Here were some of the deciding factors that played into our decision:

• We made a decision sooner than later, because we wanted our children and our Adopting Familie's children to be somewhat close in age.  We didn't want there to be a 15 year gap.  Our hope is that they would at least know of each other growing up and not be so distant is age, that they couldn't relate to each other as children and adults.
• We personally did not want our embryos frozen any longer than they had to be.  We saw them as "souls on ice" and wanted them to have a chance at life sooner than later.
• I prayed that God would lead us to the right Adopting Family.  I prayed for this for years, because I knew we would most likely face placing our embryos for adoption.  God was faithful and lead us to the right family.
• I did a lot of research and figured out what we could live with and what we couldn't.
• I finally let go and let God and trusted his direction

Don't beat yourself up.  Be kind yourself, give yourself some time, and research your options when it feels right.  Even though I'm going through a rough patch right now, I know we made the right decision and there will be sunny days ahead.   

Blessings,

Sheila