Mini-vacation

Our family took a much needed min-vacation to Oregon for the 4th of July weekend.  I grew up in Oregon, so whenever I get the chance to revisit my home state, it's such a treat.  It's so special to me and I have many fond memories growing up there.  I was looking forward to visiting with my family and taking in the gorgeous scenery.  I knew it would bring healing to my soul and help me sort through my thoughts and feelings.

It turned out to be a wonderful time away and our kids did better than we could have hoped for.  When you have three kids four and under, you never know what kind of behavior is going to show up.  However, they traveled in the car well, slept well, and did great on our day trips.  We couldn't have asked for more.

We went to Lake of the Woods for the fourth.  We had a traditional picnic, swam in the water, played in the sand, and my four year old caught his first fish.  He was so thrilled!  However, once he realized the fish had to die (it swallowed the hook), he was sad.  It was neat to see my Dad explain to him the cycle of life.  Seth listened intently, but was sad nonetheless. 

I was able to sit at the lake's edge, breathe in the clean, mountain air, and take in the beautiful scenery of trees and surrounding mountains.  It was a nice reprieve from the intense feelings of loss that I've been experiencing.

I was recently reading through a book about grieving and realized that I had somehow forgotten the specific stages that one may go through.  The five traditional stages of grieving are:

• Denial (Took place when we were placing our embryos for adoption)
• Anger (In this stage right now)
• Bargaining (I don't think this stage is applicable)
• Depression (I'm sure this phase will happen once the baby is born)
• Acceptance (Looking forward to this stage - will probably happen once the newness of all the events wear off)

After all, it wasn't so long ago that I was dealing with grief while going through infertility.  I clearly remember grieving the loss of my miscarried babies and my "Dream" child that I longed to hold in my arms.

Just like when I was dealing with infertility, people tend to think I'm being overdramatic about the loss one experiences when placing their embryos for adoption and/or donation.  You ask "What loss?"  Well, it's the loss surrounding parenting these children that God originally placed in our care.  It's a "Mommy" thing.  It's the drive that God places in every Mother to rear and take care of her children.  It's not something that can be easily disconnected, like when you remove an electical cord from a socket.  It just doens't work that way.  It's a process of letting go, letting God, and coming to a place of peace and acceptance.  

However, some people aren't comfortable with other people's grief.  They would rather that people hurry through the process, so they don't have to feel uncomfortable any longer.  It's also hard for people to validate one's loss, when the subject matter is one they either don't understand or don't agree with.  It's easier for them to tell me to "Move on" or "Get over it, will ya?"  I even had someone tell me they were "proud of the way I was grieving."  Really, is there a way to grieve so one will be "proud" of me?  I think it's good to remember that grief is not something to get over, but rather, something to get through.  It takes as long as it takes, no matter how uncomfortable it may make someone else.

All-in-all, the trip really helped to get my mind off of things and for that I am very thankful.  I know that a year from now, I will be in a very different place emotionally.  But for now, I am going to allow myself to grieve.

Blessings,

Sheila