The operative word is “Compartmentalize”

Learning to mentally compartmentalize life issues is not my strong suite.  I think that's true for most women.  I usually allow things that cause me to feel distraught to endlessly slosh around in my brain for long periods of time.  No wonder my poor husband feels helpless in his efforts to offer support, when in his mind these same life issues have their place and appointed time to be visited.  Wow, what a novel concept!

Well, as of late, I have taken ques from my husband's method of "compartmentalizing" and it has helped me in leaps and bounds pertaining to our adoption.

For the longest time, I allowed myself to suffer with how to best deal with the adoption of our embryos and subsequent birth of baby Matthew.  Where does this fit into my life?  What do I do with my grief?  How often should I be thinking about this?  How do I get on with my life, without being consumed by all these questions and thoughts?  The best answer I've come up with is this: COMPARTMENTALIZE (I know...I'm way overusing this word, but stick with me here).

There were many a nights that I would lay awake thinking, pondering, and wondering.  Oh how it drove me crazy!  I finally figured out I don't have to allow it to run me and my emotions.  There is an effective way to deal with your feelings and a big part of it has to do with not living out this adoption plan on a daily basis.

So you ask, "What does that mean? How do you compartmentalize it?"  I have learned to place our adoption in a mental box that gets compartmentalized in my mind and is only taken out and dealt with when I want to.  In part, it was sometimes tough to deal with it in that way, because our Adoptive Family liked to keep in touch and correspond on Facebook.  If you happen to choose to correspond with your Adoptive Family in this way, I would seriously caution you to think through if that's the best method for you and your family.  And here's why:

For many of us, Facebook is a part of our daily lives and if you see pictures and updates of their children on a consistent basis, it can become too much emotionally.  Also, they and their friends and family will make comments that will sting your heart (unbeknownst to them) and in the early years of your arrangement, I think it's better to self-protect.  If it's constantly in your face; feelings of grief and relinquishment can wreak havoc, especially when you're trying to live your life with your own family.  You don't want this to steal your daily joy and steer precious attention from those that are counting on you to be present.  Also, it's important for you to advocate for yourself and not feel guilty about it, because that handbook I've been waiting for on how to best navigate all this has yet to show up in my mailbox.  I'm figuring that's probably true for you to. 

Instead, I think it's wise to consider having contact during certain times of the year that are agreed upon by both families.  That way you can emotionally prepare for that contact and give it it's due attention.  Because after all, it should hold a special place in your life; just not day in and day out.  I think it also takes the pressure off of you to feel the need to be constantly available.  If something important arises, I'm sure you will make yourself available to the adoptive family.

It was hard for me to wrap my brain around this way of thinking, because...well...it felt like a cop out.  "Am I not living up to my part of the agreement?"  In my mind now, the answer is clearly "No!"  And the reason I say that is Matthew doesn't even know we exist and it's going to be many years before he even grasps who we are.  It's nice to see pictures and chat with his family, but daily contact for must donor parents is not something that works well, at least during the early years of your arrangement.

I feel more comfortable taking a step back (maybe a few) and putting my energies into the family that is counting on me to be fully present.  However, that doesn't mean that our adoptive family and their child(ren) are not important to us.  It just means this is how I've learned to cope with this new reality in our lives.  I have hope in the years to come, I will not have to lean so much on this method.

Blessings,

Sheila