I love the show "The Locator", where Troy Dunn reunites long-lost family and friends. If you've ever watched the show, then you're probably aware that some of the stories encompass closed adoption stories, where either a son or daughter is searching for their biological parents or a sibling is looking for their lost sibling, etc. In part of his introduction on the show, Troy says "You can't find peace, until you find all the pieces." While I'm aware that not all adoptees feel that way, I do think there's some validity to that phrase. At the very least, most humans have a built-in desire to know something about their roots and where it is they came from, even if they choose not to form relationships with their genetic family.
It's shows like that that make me wonder who's thinking about the children who will inevitably be impacted by the decisions surrounding Embryo Adoption and/or Embryo Donation. By children, I not only mean genetic siblings of the embryos who are placed for adoption and/or donation, but also the children that may result from the adoption and/or donation itself.
I know for us, that brought the most amount of angst in our decision making, because there were so many unknowns. To my knowledge, the oldest child adopted through Embryo Adoption is about 12 now, so there are currently no adults around that we could consult with to ask questions from their unique perspective.
We ultimately came to the conclusion that it was important to consider our children's future feelings with regard to the many decisions surrounding the adoption of our embryos. We knew there would come a day when they would have questions and we wanted to ensure that we handled the adoption in a way that was not only honoring to them, but any children resulting from the adoption. Although we realize we can't control what our children will ultimately feel, nor the children from our Adopting Family, we hope that at the very least, our hearts will be understood in why we did what we did and the way we did it.
I guess I feel like we already have the world pitted against us when we are born. We are all vulnerable and insecure in one way or another. With that in mind, I can't fully imagine what it would feel like to know that I was placed for adoption as an embryo. Is that something that you feel should be considered when placing your embryos for adoption and/or donation? Even if you don't believe that an Embryo is a living being, I think we can all agree that there's potential for life and with that potential, a child resulting from the adoption may one day wonder "why was I placed for adoption and/or donated?" Just throwing that out there for what it's worth.
After all......these little embryos may one day grow up to be adults and decide that they would like to know more about their genetic roots. I for one think they are entitled to some information. That may include them requesting to have contact with their Genetic Family. How would you feel if they sought you out? Again, it's something to consider and how it may impact your entire family overall; if not now, but possibly in the future.
I honestly don't mean to rile anyone up by bringing up such a difficult subject matter. My hope is to simply put some thoughts out there; thoughts that I wish someone had brought to my attention, before we started to think about placing our embryos for adoption. I think the most frustrating part of placing your embryos for adoption/donation, is the sheer lack of practical information. A person can't possibly think about all the scenarios that a person/family may one day face.
When it comes to your journey with Embryo Adoption/Donation, no matter if you're the Placing/Donating or Adopting Family, we all truly walk by faith and hope for the best. My hope for the future is that we will have more practical tools, stories, and information to make more informed decisions.
Blessings,
Sheila
6 Responses to “What about the children resulting from Embryo Donation?” Leave a reply ›
I too would like to say to Lori, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope things get worked out for you all. I feel so blessed to have such a close friendship with my child's genetic family. As Sheila said, it took some time, but we love each other, and have compassion for each other's experiences. As a mom, I feel like my son is so lucky to have the love, hopes, and dreams of so many people. In return, I have a special place in my heart for their son, as Ethan's sibling, and I hope they have a relationship in the years to come. There are so many natural emotions that come with grief, and anger and jealousy are some of those. As a mother, it's so hard to be joyful, carrying your first child, and have someone express to you that they are so angry at God, and that baby should be growing inside of them and not you. That is what was threatening to me, not their love. But, these are natural things that need to be expressed, and that is a healthy thing, but I agree with Sheila that the timing must be right. I try to look for and listen to all perspectives, that could be helpful to us and our extended family. I don't want to be seen simply as the "other side" in this. I just want people to know that it can work out, if everyone shows empathy for each other. Sometimes taking time is the best way to do that, and I think it is important for everyone to take care of themselves. Human emotions are complex, and we never know what will come out in any given situation. I hope someday there is a better and more compassionate support system for both sides of embryo adoption. God bless, and my love,
Holly
My journey has been far more difficult than I ever imagined. First you find the parents...easy, then they finally get pregnant...easy, but more difficult once you know. Wow, this is really going to happen...maybe. Then they send you the sonogram pictures..Yep, this is going to happen. Wow that is crazy. Then the child is born. Zip that is it, now where there was sincere thanks and a feeling of family, it is over and business like. That was my experience. They choose not to meet us although they live 50 miles from us. My two boys are the only genetic siblings that boy will ever have, and they choose not to allow them a relationship. That was very very difficult for me to fathom. I have since repressed my feelings and tried to move on. I think of his birthday now, but I don't send cards or presents. The reason we chose this type of embryo adoption was so that we could see the progress and allow this child to know that we didn't take lightly the giving up for adoption. Once the baby was born, it was (for us) basically, "Thanks for the Baby" Bye Bye. That was really really hard for me. I don't want an everyday contact or anything like that, just a contact so that the boys know each other. My boys are 6 and 8 and their embryo brother (the brother from another mother) is 5. It is really sad to me that they will not be able to have contact in their younger age. Whether or not he wants to see us when he is older will remain to be seen. Knowing he is a child of mine, I am sure he will be curious. Either way, my door will always be open to him. I always invite him to his brothers birthdays and always will. I wish that adopting parents would just understand that we don't want the child back...just a relationship with our flesh and blood. It is our gift to the adopting parents and a huge gift it is. I wish that they would allow us the respect that we deserve. It seems that we have no say in what goes on at all. Adopting parents that do not want contact with the genetic parents should probably choose an anomymous doner program. Thanks for the baby... Bye bye.
Lori - my heart goes out to your and your family. What a difficult situation! I pray in time that maybe something will change in your situation. Thinking of you! She
As a prospective adoptive parent of embryos (who actually did pursue traditional adoption prior to IVF cycles), I've actually thought of this as being similar to a traditional adoption situation... I think the same questions will pop up in both situations... why did my birth family/genetic family give me up? One of my best friends is adopted and the reason her birth family gave her up is because they already had 2 kids and didn't want a third. She has managed to work through the negative feelings that brought up and views it as a gift that her birth parents gave to her adoptive parents... after all, they could have chosen instead to terminate the pregnancy. There will always be issues surrounding why an adoptive child was "given away" but I firmly believe it's up the the adoptive parents to let the adoptee know what a gift they truly are to them. With all the support for "traditional" adoptive families, I know that the information they offer can definitely be carried over to embryo adoption.
Yes, I agree with you. I think it's imporant to convey to the "Adoptee" that the Adoptive Parents are the ones who are blessed to have that child in their family and not that the child is lucky to be in their family.
Shelia,
I do hope that you read this. I am a mother of B/G twins tha are now 13 1/2 years old. THe were a gift from god and a wonderful set of donors. I am almost possitive that my twins were the first born from Embryo Adoption on the East Coast. Every day and almost every minute I thank the two wonderful people that made our dream come true, oh and the doctors too!. My husband and I had tried for 12 years before we had our two boundles of joy. Born at 37 1/2 weeks and they weight almost 15 lbs together. My daughter always reminds her brother that she is the oldest, but he comes right back with, yeah but I weight more. They are perfect!!!!
I have never ever questioned why we did this or even why someone could donate their embyos. All I know is they have a heart and they will always have a place in my heart. Now that the kids are almost 14, I'm starting to think when and how we should tell them about the donation. As a boy, I'm sure my son will not even care, but my daughter will probably want more info. We do not have any information to give her. Only for a medical reason, under court order, would we ever be able to find out anything. Who knows, times have changed and laws too. The only regret that I have is not being able to thank the couple that gave us the world. There is no greater gift then the gift of love and life, and we have both.
Oh I didn't mention how BEAUTIFUL they both are.